December 26th, 2008 1:05 am
I lost my father-in-law to an accidental gun shot wound to the face.
April 9th, 2009 9:30 pm
My husband lost the battle with cancer.
July, 2009
I learned my mother-in-law was gone.
May, 2011
My only grandchild was taken from us at 5 months old.
June, 2011
My grandmother quietly slipped from this world.
February 6th, 2012 7:30 pm
My mother died.
What is considered too much grief? The definition of grief is as follows:
1. intense sorrow: great sadness, especially as a result of a death
2. cause of intense sorrow: the cause of intense, deep and profound sorrow.
With words like 'great', 'intense', 'deep' and 'profound', multiplied by six deaths, I think that is too much grief. I honestly don't know if I can take anymore. I went through all the grief counseling for the loss of a spouse. But how on earth does that prepare you for the loss of so many, one right after another?
My son says, "Why does God hate us?" I can't give him an answer, because, honestly, I'm wondering the same thing. I always appreciate those that say they will keep us in their prayers, but praying is not something I've done in a very long time. I haven't seen that I'm being heard in any way. And, yes, I'm angry. Angry at God for taking my loved ones away. Angry at my loved ones for leaving me. I don't see that changing any time soon, if ever.
Many say that I'm being tested, and that God would never give me more than I can handle. I call bullshit!! Tested? Tested for what? To see if I can grovel enough to make it to Heaven? To see if I can debase myself enough for Divine forgiveness? If this is the agony I have to suffer to be accepted into Heaven, then I don't want to go.
And, even aside from the religious standpoint, what about life? I have all these gaping holes in my heart where these people resided. My heart was shattered the day my husband died. I was just starting to heal, and suddenly, two more are taken from me, within a week of each other. The months go by, and I can sort of breath again, and my mom is gone. What more? How much more am I expected to endure? I'm not even sure I can feel my heart anymore. And forget trying to breath.
My sister posted something that really stuck with me because it is so true. She talks about being numb. And that the numbness outside was masking the pain inside. She couldn't have put it any better and she's grieving ONE person. I'm grieving six, two of them deeply.
And how do you explain such overwhelming grief that all you can do is go through the motions day by day, existing, but not really living? My former employer gave me a little over a month to get over my husband's death before they expected me to work as if nothing had ever happened. I was with that man for 28 years. Despite the problems, he was my soul-mate, the love of my life, my friend and my everything. He was gone in one of the most tragic ways a person can die. Painfully, slowly. And I'm supposed to be done grieving in less than two months and give my employer 100%?
I have been through too much grief. I'm dealing with it...badly. But I am dealing. Life goes on, no matter whether we want it to or not. The world doesn't end, even if it feels as if it has. My mom....I miss my mom. I can say I miss the others that I have lost, but my mom, well, she's my mom. I don't know how else to explain it.
My father-in-law's death was an unfortunate accident. A drunken blunder. Something that never should have happened. Gruesome, but instant. He didn't suffer.
My husband's was a very painful death. Senseless as well. A type of cancer that might have been prevented if he hadn't been a heavy smoker and drinker. But he is pain free now. He is at peace, even if I'm not. I broke a promise. I promised him I would be there at the end. I wasn't. I will carry that guilt the rest of my life.
Although, I don't know the circumstances of my mother-in-law's death, I know she was of poor health and probably missed her husband. I miss her, but know she's got to be in a better place.
My baby grand-daughter lost her life to a syndrome that is unexplainable. She didn't even get a chance to live. I didn't get a chance to watch her grow into a beautiful woman like her mama. Also tragic and senseless.
My grandmother lived a long, happy and fulfilling life. Out of all the losses of my life, hers is the easiest to be at peace with. She died in her sleep, pain free and content with my mother there with her so she wasn't alone. She went to be with her soul mate she lost years ago, my grandpa.
My mother's death is hurting the most right now, as I only lost her a week ago. But my mother has been through so very much in her life. So many surgeries, so many illnesses, so many complications. She is no longer suffering. She lost her 'rock' when my grandmother passed. Now, she is with her again. Sometimes, I think my grandmother's death was the last straw for my mom. Do I think that is selfish? No. I know my mother, and she needed her mom. She always did.
So, what is too much grief? Any grief is hard, but sometimes there is just more than any one person can take. I've taken it, and taken it, and taken it. I will not take any more. I can't. So, to the rest of my family, my friends and all that touch my life, you have to be healthy. Take care of yourselves. Because, no matter what you think, there is someone that loves you and needs you on this earth.
Me.
I lost my father-in-law to an accidental gun shot wound to the face.
April 9th, 2009 9:30 pm
My husband lost the battle with cancer.
July, 2009
I learned my mother-in-law was gone.
May, 2011
My only grandchild was taken from us at 5 months old.
June, 2011
My grandmother quietly slipped from this world.
February 6th, 2012 7:30 pm
My mother died.
What is considered too much grief? The definition of grief is as follows:
1. intense sorrow: great sadness, especially as a result of a death
2. cause of intense sorrow: the cause of intense, deep and profound sorrow.
With words like 'great', 'intense', 'deep' and 'profound', multiplied by six deaths, I think that is too much grief. I honestly don't know if I can take anymore. I went through all the grief counseling for the loss of a spouse. But how on earth does that prepare you for the loss of so many, one right after another?
My son says, "Why does God hate us?" I can't give him an answer, because, honestly, I'm wondering the same thing. I always appreciate those that say they will keep us in their prayers, but praying is not something I've done in a very long time. I haven't seen that I'm being heard in any way. And, yes, I'm angry. Angry at God for taking my loved ones away. Angry at my loved ones for leaving me. I don't see that changing any time soon, if ever.
Many say that I'm being tested, and that God would never give me more than I can handle. I call bullshit!! Tested? Tested for what? To see if I can grovel enough to make it to Heaven? To see if I can debase myself enough for Divine forgiveness? If this is the agony I have to suffer to be accepted into Heaven, then I don't want to go.
And, even aside from the religious standpoint, what about life? I have all these gaping holes in my heart where these people resided. My heart was shattered the day my husband died. I was just starting to heal, and suddenly, two more are taken from me, within a week of each other. The months go by, and I can sort of breath again, and my mom is gone. What more? How much more am I expected to endure? I'm not even sure I can feel my heart anymore. And forget trying to breath.
My sister posted something that really stuck with me because it is so true. She talks about being numb. And that the numbness outside was masking the pain inside. She couldn't have put it any better and she's grieving ONE person. I'm grieving six, two of them deeply.
And how do you explain such overwhelming grief that all you can do is go through the motions day by day, existing, but not really living? My former employer gave me a little over a month to get over my husband's death before they expected me to work as if nothing had ever happened. I was with that man for 28 years. Despite the problems, he was my soul-mate, the love of my life, my friend and my everything. He was gone in one of the most tragic ways a person can die. Painfully, slowly. And I'm supposed to be done grieving in less than two months and give my employer 100%?
I have been through too much grief. I'm dealing with it...badly. But I am dealing. Life goes on, no matter whether we want it to or not. The world doesn't end, even if it feels as if it has. My mom....I miss my mom. I can say I miss the others that I have lost, but my mom, well, she's my mom. I don't know how else to explain it.
My father-in-law's death was an unfortunate accident. A drunken blunder. Something that never should have happened. Gruesome, but instant. He didn't suffer.
My husband's was a very painful death. Senseless as well. A type of cancer that might have been prevented if he hadn't been a heavy smoker and drinker. But he is pain free now. He is at peace, even if I'm not. I broke a promise. I promised him I would be there at the end. I wasn't. I will carry that guilt the rest of my life.
Although, I don't know the circumstances of my mother-in-law's death, I know she was of poor health and probably missed her husband. I miss her, but know she's got to be in a better place.
My baby grand-daughter lost her life to a syndrome that is unexplainable. She didn't even get a chance to live. I didn't get a chance to watch her grow into a beautiful woman like her mama. Also tragic and senseless.
My grandmother lived a long, happy and fulfilling life. Out of all the losses of my life, hers is the easiest to be at peace with. She died in her sleep, pain free and content with my mother there with her so she wasn't alone. She went to be with her soul mate she lost years ago, my grandpa.
My mother's death is hurting the most right now, as I only lost her a week ago. But my mother has been through so very much in her life. So many surgeries, so many illnesses, so many complications. She is no longer suffering. She lost her 'rock' when my grandmother passed. Now, she is with her again. Sometimes, I think my grandmother's death was the last straw for my mom. Do I think that is selfish? No. I know my mother, and she needed her mom. She always did.
So, what is too much grief? Any grief is hard, but sometimes there is just more than any one person can take. I've taken it, and taken it, and taken it. I will not take any more. I can't. So, to the rest of my family, my friends and all that touch my life, you have to be healthy. Take care of yourselves. Because, no matter what you think, there is someone that loves you and needs you on this earth.
Me.
