Thursday, May 24, 2012

Working past the high school angst - being clique-less

I was the definition of shy wall flower in high school. I was never a member of any "Clique". Unless you counted the awkward, unwanted losers.

Unfortunately, that feeling of low self-esteem rears it's ugly head every time I feel excluded...in any way. It's stupid. I'm an adult now. I shouldn't have to feel accepted to live my life. And 9 times out of 10, I'm not really being excluded. Or maybe the times I feel that way, I'm actually sabotaging myself.

Regardless, the cliques in high school were devestating to me. I didn't belong, I never would. I know I'm a geek, but I didn't even fit in with them because I wasn't smart enough. That I still carry those scars upsets me.

I read an article on stress management that includes cliques and the feelings of exclusion, http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art24744.asp

What I found in a paragraph, and the ways of coping with exclusion were eye opening and I plan on using the information myself.

"Move past the small, limited world of the clique. Meeting new people is energizing and stimulating. Moreover, friendships are forged on many levels fulfilling different needs. They don’t all have to be equally intense. By the same token, newcomers to any group need to be patient, taking things slowly and lightly. Friendships take time to deepen.

It all boils down to cultivating a strong core of self-confidence. Accept who you are. Comparisons to others drain you of personal power, robbing you of a perception of your own uniqueness. Express yourself genuinely and take yourself out of the competition.

Here is how adults can move past feelings of exclusion.

  • Don’t let others have power over you. Realize that even the most popular feel insecure. In fact, you might be excluded because you seem unapproachable – they might feel undermined by you hanging on the sidelines! Reach out; leave your comfort zone to make the first move.
  • Emit positive vibes. People gravitate to positive people. Be the best that you can be and others will be attracted to you.
  • See the basic comedy of manners in the clique. Don’t take them so seriously. Laughter generates endorphins and will help you see other possibilities.
  • Get rid of that air of desperation. If you act like a victim, you will be treated like a victim. Living well is really the best antidote. Act as if and soon you will be feeling much happier and relieved. Have confidence that things will work out in the end.
  • Focus on past successes and what qualities you incorporated to make them a success. Transfer these qualities to other areas of your life- like making new friends.
  • Keep growing. Get out and learn new things and visit new places. If you have other sincere friends in your life, who cares about one or two less. Focus on who and what you have- not what you are missing.
  • Get involved at your child’s school: class mother, committees, school programs, etc. You will help your child by being in the know about school. You can be creatively involved, suggest improvements and be there to have some input."

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day 2012

Today is my first Mother's Day without my mom. I lost her three months ago. I was sure this would be a very sad day, and it is to a point, because I miss her so much. But I have decided to take this day and celebrate all that my mother was.



My mother was a beautiful woman, with dark brown hair and light brown eyes. She had a huge heart and loved unconditionally. Many don't have that and despite my mother's faults, I know she loved her children.

There are so many little things about my mother, 492 of them. lol, inside joke. My sister will get this. I know I posted quite a bit about mom when she passed. But today, it's about the fun things, the loving things.

Many who know my family will understand that I am very much like my mother. Not in looks, of course, took after dad and Nana in that respect, but certainly personality-wise. We are both soft spoken, generally quiet people. Easily sensitive and hurt, though I can't say that's a good thing. But it is an honest one.

Mom wasn't a strong person, but she didn't need to be. My grandmother was strong enough for both of them. I mentioned before that my grandmother was my mother's rock. It had always been that way, and not something I would ever question.

Mom had a wonderful life growing up in Colorado. She loved her mountains, and when the snow recedes, we will lay her to rest amid her beloved Rockys and the purple of the columbines. We know that will make her happy.

I am so glad my mother is at peace now. As fulfilling and fun as her young life was, her adult life was full of pain, illness and regret. Many times, I wish I could have made things easier for her. Wish that she'd not been struck with so many health issues, so much depression.

But I digress....

Mom grew up in Colorado, as I said. I've listened to many fascinating stories about our family and the coal mines of Crested Butte, great grandparents, summers spent in the mountains fly fishing and running through the fields. Sounds divine to me. :)

Another point that stands out, is my mother was always, always proud of me. Proud of my writing, proud of own mothering, proud of who I became, proud of ME. And unlike so many busy adults, she showed it, said it. I will be forever grateful that my mother showed me her love.

Mom and I were close. We shared a lot of the same anxieties, but mostly we shared many of the same hobbies and interests. Both lovers of Star Trek (the old version), crocheting, camping, nature and the outdoors, We both enjoyed cooking and baking. We both liked lazing around watching children's cartoons. My mother liked to collect things, as I do. Her most treasured collection was her lions...in any form or media. My mother was a Leo.

I could never truly encapsulate my mother in a short blog. She was a complicated woman, as most human beings are. She lived not quite 70 years. That's a lot of life to put into a few short paragraphs.

As I sit and remember my mother, I hope that all my family and friends will cherish their mothers this day. I'm not so naive to not know every mother is worth the love of her child, but for those with no mother, or one that is not worthy, my mother will love you. She always had enough to go around.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Mother's Day...

Mother's Day is coming up. I'm scared to even face that day.

For those who don't know, I lost my mother on February 6th. My sister and I were with her when she took her last breath. I still have nightmares about it. I thought that I felt lost after my husband died. Now that feeling has doubled. With the exception of my sister, who has her own life, worries and grief, I am all alone now. My support system has collapsed. I am honestly scared all the time. I find it difficult to make calls that need to be made. I worry....always. I feel overwhelmed....always. It takes an enormous amount of effort to even get up in the mornings anymore. 'Motivation' is not in my vocabulary much either.

I am also a mom. I can guarantee you, that I will not feel like one come Sunday. My 13 year old son will not even know or remember it's Mother's Day. My other kids are off and involved in their own lives. My daughter might remember to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, but I'm not sure I'll hear from her. It makes me sad. It makes me wonder what I did wrong. It makes me feel worthless. And now there's no one around who knows me who can tell me that's not true.

Life has gotten very painful for me. And I'm letting down and disappointing people I care about, including myself. I've made bad decisions since my husband died (and before as well). They are now coming back to bite me in the ass. I'm sure I deserve it, but now it's made my life that much more difficult. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. How to fix things.

All I want is a new start. A new place that is not rife with memories that hurt. A peaceful place. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to want just a tidbit of happiness again? Have I sunk so low that I don't deserve anything anymore? I don't know. Seems as if my life is destined to be one big stinking dung heap of disappointment and heartache.