Mother's Day is coming up. I'm scared to even face that day.
For those who don't know, I lost my mother on February 6th. My sister and I were with her when she took her last breath. I still have nightmares about it. I thought that I felt lost after my husband died. Now that feeling has doubled. With the exception of my sister, who has her own life, worries and grief, I am all alone now. My support system has collapsed. I am honestly scared all the time. I find it difficult to make calls that need to be made. I worry....always. I feel overwhelmed....always. It takes an enormous amount of effort to even get up in the mornings anymore. 'Motivation' is not in my vocabulary much either.
I am also a mom. I can guarantee you, that I will not feel like one come Sunday. My 13 year old son will not even know or remember it's Mother's Day. My other kids are off and involved in their own lives. My daughter might remember to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, but I'm not sure I'll hear from her. It makes me sad. It makes me wonder what I did wrong. It makes me feel worthless. And now there's no one around who knows me who can tell me that's not true.
Life has gotten very painful for me. And I'm letting down and disappointing people I care about, including myself. I've made bad decisions since my husband died (and before as well). They are now coming back to bite me in the ass. I'm sure I deserve it, but now it's made my life that much more difficult. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. How to fix things.
All I want is a new start. A new place that is not rife with memories that hurt. A peaceful place. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to want just a tidbit of happiness again? Have I sunk so low that I don't deserve anything anymore? I don't know. Seems as if my life is destined to be one big stinking dung heap of disappointment and heartache.
For those who don't know, I lost my mother on February 6th. My sister and I were with her when she took her last breath. I still have nightmares about it. I thought that I felt lost after my husband died. Now that feeling has doubled. With the exception of my sister, who has her own life, worries and grief, I am all alone now. My support system has collapsed. I am honestly scared all the time. I find it difficult to make calls that need to be made. I worry....always. I feel overwhelmed....always. It takes an enormous amount of effort to even get up in the mornings anymore. 'Motivation' is not in my vocabulary much either.
I am also a mom. I can guarantee you, that I will not feel like one come Sunday. My 13 year old son will not even know or remember it's Mother's Day. My other kids are off and involved in their own lives. My daughter might remember to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, but I'm not sure I'll hear from her. It makes me sad. It makes me wonder what I did wrong. It makes me feel worthless. And now there's no one around who knows me who can tell me that's not true.
Life has gotten very painful for me. And I'm letting down and disappointing people I care about, including myself. I've made bad decisions since my husband died (and before as well). They are now coming back to bite me in the ass. I'm sure I deserve it, but now it's made my life that much more difficult. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. How to fix things.
All I want is a new start. A new place that is not rife with memories that hurt. A peaceful place. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to want just a tidbit of happiness again? Have I sunk so low that I don't deserve anything anymore? I don't know. Seems as if my life is destined to be one big stinking dung heap of disappointment and heartache.
Carah, time to start thinking about the positive and stop focusing on the negative.
ReplyDeletePositive: You have a 13 yr old son
Positive: you are trying to make a new start
Positive: you have survived the death of a spouse and parent
Positive: Youre alive and breathing
And would you PLEASE go see someone. You have clinical depression and need help.
I love you and want to see you get better for you and your son.