On the Outside Looking In...

I’ve heard so many women make comments about wishing they were gay men, myself among them.

In all honesty, I haven’t really figured out why. Gay men have a rough life. Society is in a war over rights and privileges for same-sex relationships. Young gay men (and women) are ostracized, bullied, beaten and thrown away every day. It’s sad. It’s not right. And if I was a gay man, I would be on a pulpit so fast fighting for equal everything that it would make heads spin.

So, what can I do as a straight woman? Not a whole lot. I use the media I belong to as an outlet in my beliefs. I write gay erotic romance, and love it. I love gay men. I believe in them, I cherish them, and yet, I don’t know one personally. And I will always think that my beliefs mean nothing because I don’t know what it’s like to be gay. I beg to differ, but that’s another story. I do have a wish to open a shelter, a safe haven for those who have been thrown away, scared and alone. But that takes money I don’t have.

And when I try to get close, be friends, it doesn’t work. Do I want to be a “fag hag” (I really, really do not like that term), no. I want to be friends. I want to be on the inside. I want to understand gay men and what they go through. I want to be there for them. But, alas, it’s just not possible.

As I said, I write gay erotic romance, and yet I don’t know one gay man in my life. I’m a woman, a straight woman. I’m not worthy to be friends with gay men, or so that’s how I feel. I’ve read many, many stories that put straight women in a very bad light. It makes me wonder if gay men really feel that way. Do they hate women so much (because they are not attracted to them), that they would rather not be friends?

Then I read stories about gay men with the best friend who is a straight woman. But in these stories, nine times out of ten, they were friends before the man came out (or she was the first person he came out to). They have history. Yes, I had a best friend a long time ago; that I found out later was gay. He doesn’t talk to me. I moved away and lost touch, though I tried not to. I can only assume he has left his life prior to coming out behind. He may well have a very good reason for that. I don’t know. It makes me sad.

So what's the truth? Something in between?

This little article is just me voicing my frustration and confusion. My desire for friends isn’t limited to gay men. I wish I had more friends. Or even one that was close. But I have concluded I don’t make a very good friend. I couldn’t since I seem to never really make any. Not the kind I wish I could have anyway. I would be happy with just one. Someone who cares enough to know everything about my life and I know theirs. Someone who is close enough to me to tease, and be rude and know that I will still love them. Someone willing to put up with my quirkiness and bouts of depression. Someone nonjudgemental and who thinks about me when I'm not around, as I do them. Someone interested…at all.