On the Outside Looking In...

I’ve heard so many women make comments about wishing they were gay men, myself among them.

In all honesty, I haven’t really figured out why. Gay men have a rough life. Society is in a war over rights and privileges for same-sex relationships. Young gay men (and women) are ostracized, bullied, beaten and thrown away every day. It’s sad. It’s not right. And if I was a gay man, I would be on a pulpit so fast fighting for equal everything that it would make heads spin.

So, what can I do as a straight woman? Not a whole lot. I use the media I belong to as an outlet in my beliefs. I write gay erotic romance, and love it. I love gay men. I believe in them, I cherish them, and yet, I don’t know one personally. And I will always think that my beliefs mean nothing because I don’t know what it’s like to be gay. I beg to differ, but that’s another story. I do have a wish to open a shelter, a safe haven for those who have been thrown away, scared and alone. But that takes money I don’t have.

And when I try to get close, be friends, it doesn’t work. Do I want to be a “fag hag” (I really, really do not like that term), no. I want to be friends. I want to be on the inside. I want to understand gay men and what they go through. I want to be there for them. But, alas, it’s just not possible.

As I said, I write gay erotic romance, and yet I don’t know one gay man in my life. I’m a woman, a straight woman. I’m not worthy to be friends with gay men, or so that’s how I feel. I’ve read many, many stories that put straight women in a very bad light. It makes me wonder if gay men really feel that way. Do they hate women so much (because they are not attracted to them), that they would rather not be friends?

Then I read stories about gay men with the best friend who is a straight woman. But in these stories, nine times out of ten, they were friends before the man came out (or she was the first person he came out to). They have history. Yes, I had a best friend a long time ago; that I found out later was gay. He doesn’t talk to me. I moved away and lost touch, though I tried not to. I can only assume he has left his life prior to coming out behind. He may well have a very good reason for that. I don’t know. It makes me sad.

So what's the truth? Something in between?

This little article is just me voicing my frustration and confusion. My desire for friends isn’t limited to gay men. I wish I had more friends. Or even one that was close. But I have concluded I don’t make a very good friend. I couldn’t since I seem to never really make any. Not the kind I wish I could have anyway. I would be happy with just one. Someone who cares enough to know everything about my life and I know theirs. Someone who is close enough to me to tease, and be rude and know that I will still love them. Someone willing to put up with my quirkiness and bouts of depression. Someone nonjudgemental and who thinks about me when I'm not around, as I do them. Someone interested…at all.

Wow......life.....

Ok, so I've been down and whining a lot lately. I still feel like whining, but have made the decision that it's just not going to make things better no matter how much I wish it would.

Life sucks. Life isn't fair.

"Life is a handful of short stories, pretending to be a novel."

- Anonymous

I have decided my short stories need to be polished so that the novel of my life is worth reading. Cliche? Maybe, but I love that quote. And I think it's time to apply it to my life.

All the short stories that made up my childhood and young adult life are over and cannot be edited. :) So, I will concentrate on the current story of my life.

I have moved. That is a good thing. Sad, but good. I will take the house I now live in and make it my own. I will decorate, I will infuse who I am into each corner so that anyone who comes to visit will see me. Will know me. Not that anyone will actually visit.

I will edit my story to do things that make me happy. I will strive to be friendlier, to be more open. I'll struggle through that editing since I'm shy by nature. Nanette!! I need you to come validate my editing!!! Ahem, sorry.

Another quote I'm fond of and which played a significant part in the short story where I lose my husband is this:

"The real reason for not committing suicide is because you always know how swell life gets again after the hell is over."

- Ernest Hemingway

 I love Ernest.

I contemplated that...when I lost him. But ultimately, I wasn't ready to go, even if I didn't know it and the pain was so great that I never thought I'd breath again.

I'm breathing now. Of course, life has a way of throwing things at me that make my breathing hitch, and not in a good way.

I lost a friend recently. My heart goes out to his partner. They were one of those couples that made your heart warm and your life a little brighter. But, it's never easy being the one left behind. I know. Very well.

But life goes on. There is nothing you can do about it. What you can do is chose how to live your life with a very significant part of you missing.

After listening to so many people, advice, condolences, etc. I realized. My soul mate would not want me to wallow in misery, self pity or grieve for him. He is happy. He is free. I should be happy for him. Now, that said, it is so much harder to do than to say. The pain is intense. It doesn't go away. Whether you lost this love yesterday, or years ago, the pain is there. It just fades to the background, only to flare up when something happens to remind you of it.

Like losing a friend.

But, really, when you think hard about it. Isn't the pain of loss better than being numb? I used to think that wasn't true. I'd rather be numb than hurting so bad. But that old saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all", is true. My life is richer for knowing my husband. My life is richer for knowing my friend. My heart breaks for his partner, knowing what he is going through.

My dear bear friend, I won't regal you with cliche's that mean nothing. But I will tell you that the pain fill fade enough to breath again.

Movie - Addict

So, as many know, I collect movies. It began with my husband and I, so the collection has been going on for nearly 30 years. That said, you can imagine how many I have. At last count, it was close to 6,000. As you can also imagine, it's a bitch to move all those movies each time I switch homes. :)

Most of them are in VHS form, hence the heavy, heavy boxes. I have decided, they need to go. At least the VHS ones. I will miss the covers, of course, but they take up sooooo much room. I plan on buying one of those VHS to DVD burners. I may be giving up the physical movies themselves, but could never give up the actual films.

There are a handful that I won't be relinquishing. The John Wayne movies that were my husband's. He was huge fan of The Duke. A few of the cult movies, like Rocky Horror Picture Show and Little Shop of Horrors (both versions). Maybe a few of the series ones (I have every Elm Street, Halloween, and Friday the 13th, go Freddy, Michael and Jason!! lol). And a couple of the old classics, like The Ten Commandments and The Robe, along with Psycho and Vertigo.

Now see? There I go again, putting off getting rid of the excess baggage. *sighs* It's not easy letting go. Every movie I have, I have watched at least twice, if not more times. My poor LOTR's Extended Version set barely sees the inside of it's box. But then, that's in DVD, so no panicking over getting rid of those. But I will do this! All I have to do is remind myself about carting those boxes around. Right now? They are stacked in my walk-in closet for lack of a better place to put them.

As I said, I'll miss the covers, but it will be so worth not having to lug those things around anymore. Once transferred to DVD, I need to figure out what I'm going to do with them. I thought about giving them to a Pawn Shop, but I'm selfish and greedy. We paid good money year after year for these movies and most of them are in pristine condition. So, sell them? But where? Then, the guilt sets in and I think, wouldn't it be nice to give them to some organization that could use them for children (I have almost every Disney movie made). But I can't do that with the R rated ones. *sighs again* Decisions, decisions.

This is something I've mulled over for the last three years or so. Now just to decide what I want to do besides transfer them to DVD. And, of course, then I have to decide what to do with all the DVD's. I have all of them on a bookshelf in my bedroom...all four shelves...two deep. Sheesh! But any new ones aren't going to fit and the rest of my bookshelves are cover, two and three deep, with books. I heart my books! So, it will be off to Walmart for another put-together book shelf. :)

Life is never boring....

Working past the high school angst - being clique-less

I was the definition of shy wall flower in high school. I was never a member of any "Clique". Unless you counted the awkward, unwanted losers.

Unfortunately, that feeling of low self-esteem rears it's ugly head every time I feel excluded...in any way. It's stupid. I'm an adult now. I shouldn't have to feel accepted to live my life. And 9 times out of 10, I'm not really being excluded. Or maybe the times I feel that way, I'm actually sabotaging myself.

Regardless, the cliques in high school were devestating to me. I didn't belong, I never would. I know I'm a geek, but I didn't even fit in with them because I wasn't smart enough. That I still carry those scars upsets me.

I read an article on stress management that includes cliques and the feelings of exclusion, http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art24744.asp

What I found in a paragraph, and the ways of coping with exclusion were eye opening and I plan on using the information myself.

"Move past the small, limited world of the clique. Meeting new people is energizing and stimulating. Moreover, friendships are forged on many levels fulfilling different needs. They don’t all have to be equally intense. By the same token, newcomers to any group need to be patient, taking things slowly and lightly. Friendships take time to deepen.

It all boils down to cultivating a strong core of self-confidence. Accept who you are. Comparisons to others drain you of personal power, robbing you of a perception of your own uniqueness. Express yourself genuinely and take yourself out of the competition.

Here is how adults can move past feelings of exclusion.

• Don’t let others have power over you. Realize that even the most popular feel insecure. In fact, you might be excluded because you seem unapproachable – they might feel undermined by you hanging on the sidelines! Reach out; leave your comfort zone to make the first move.
• Emit positive vibes. People gravitate to positive people. Be the best that you can be and others will be attracted to you.
• See the basic comedy of manners in the clique. Don’t take them so seriously. Laughter generates endorphins and will help you see other possibilities.
• Get rid of that air of desperation. If you act like a victim, you will be treated like a victim. Living well is really the best antidote. Act as if and soon you will be feeling much happier and relieved. Have confidence that things will work out in the end.
• Focus on past successes and what qualities you incorporated to make them a success. Transfer these qualities to other areas of your life- like making new friends.
• Keep growing. Get out and learn new things and visit new places. If you have other sincere friends in your life, who cares about one or two less. Focus on who and what you have- not what you are missing.
• Get involved at your child’s school: class mother, committees, school programs, etc. You will help your child by being in the know about school. You can be creatively involved, suggest improvements and be there to have some input."

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Mother's Day 2012

Today is my first Mother's Day without my mom. I lost her three months ago. I was sure this would be a very sad day, and it is to a point, because I miss her so much. But I have decided to take this day and celebrate all that my mother was.

My mother was a beautiful woman, with dark brown hair and light brown eyes. She had a huge heart and loved unconditionally. Many don't have that and despite my mother's faults, I know she loved her children.

There are so many little things about my mother, 492 of them. lol, inside joke. My sister will get this. I know I posted quite a bit about mom when she passed. But today, it's about the fun things, the loving things.

Many who know my family will understand that I am very much like my mother. Not in looks, of course, took after dad and Nana in that respect, but certainly personality-wise. We are both soft spoken, generally quiet people. Easily sensitive and hurt, though I can't say that's a good thing. But it is an honest one.

Mom wasn't a strong person, but she didn't need to be. My grandmother was strong enough for both of them. I mentioned before that my grandmother was my mother's rock. It had always been that way, and not something I would ever question.

Mom had a wonderful life growing up in Colorado. She loved her mountains, and when the snow recedes, we will lay her to rest amid her beloved Rockys and the purple of the columbines. We know that will make her happy.

I am so glad my mother is at peace now. As fulfilling and fun as her young life was, her adult life was full of pain, illness and regret. Many times, I wish I could have made things easier for her. Wish that she'd not been struck with so many health issues, so much depression.

But I digress....

Mom grew up in Colorado, as I said. I've listened to many fascinating stories about our family and the coal mines of Crested Butte, great grandparents, summers spent in the mountains fly fishing and running through the fields. Sounds divine to me. :)

Another point that stands out, is my mother was always, always proud of me. Proud of my writing, proud of own mothering, proud of who I became, proud of ME. And unlike so many busy adults, she showed it, said it. I will be forever grateful that my mother showed me her love.

Mom and I were close. We shared a lot of the same anxieties, but mostly we shared many of the same hobbies and interests. Both lovers of Star Trek (the old version), crocheting, camping, nature and the outdoors, We both enjoyed cooking and baking. We both liked lazing around watching children's cartoons. My mother liked to collect things, as I do. Her most treasured collection was her lions...in any form or media. My mother was a Leo.

I could never truly encapsulate my mother in a short blog. She was a complicated woman, as most human beings are. She lived not quite 70 years. That's a lot of life to put into a few short paragraphs.

As I sit and remember my mother, I hope that all my family and friends will cherish their mothers this day. I'm not so naive to not know every mother is worth the love of her child, but for those with no mother, or one that is not worthy, my mother will love you. She always had enough to go around.

Mother's Day...

Mother's Day is coming up. I'm scared to even face that day.

For those who don't know, I lost my mother on February 6th. My sister and I were with her when she took her last breath. I still have nightmares about it. I thought that I felt lost after my husband died. Now that feeling has doubled. With the exception of my sister, who has her own life, worries and grief, I am all alone now. My support system has collapsed. I am honestly scared all the time. I find it difficult to make calls that need to be made. I worry....always. I feel overwhelmed....always. It takes an enormous amount of effort to even get up in the mornings anymore. 'Motivation' is not in my vocabulary much either.

I am also a mom. I can guarantee you, that I will not feel like one come Sunday. My 13 year old son will not even know or remember it's Mother's Day. My other kids are off and involved in their own lives. My daughter might remember to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, but I'm not sure I'll hear from her. It makes me sad. It makes me wonder what I did wrong. It makes me feel worthless. And now there's no one around who knows me who can tell me that's not true.

Life has gotten very painful for me. And I'm letting down and disappointing people I care about, including myself. I've made bad decisions since my husband died (and before as well). They are now coming back to bite me in the ass. I'm sure I deserve it, but now it's made my life that much more difficult. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. How to fix things.

All I want is a new start. A new place that is not rife with memories that hurt. A peaceful place. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to want just a tidbit of happiness again? Have I sunk so low that I don't deserve anything anymore? I don't know. Seems as if my life is destined to be one big stinking dung heap of disappointment and heartache.

Insignificant Events in the Life of A Nobody

I wasn't sure how I was going to handle this blog. A personal blog. A blog that really doesn't (and I don't want it to) have anything to do with my writing.

I have a life, such as it is. No, I'm not getting married. There is no man in my life anymore. There's been many deaths, but I've covered that and honestly don't want go ripping open those thin scabs. No babies being born, no purchasing of homes, or European vacations. No brand new car. No graduations, no milestones to celebrate or overcome.

So, what does that leave? Not a whole hell of a lot.

I am well aware my life is very insignificant. I think about that every drive into work. I think about that on my way home. I'm alone a lot, which gives me plenty of time to think. Maybe too much time. I start to wonder, what the hell? I'm almost at the half century mark.

Then I think of the hassles that are a constant in my life. I try to do something and have obstacle after obstacle get in my way. So many that sometimes I just want to give up. I think about that fact that I'm almost at the half century mark and wonder why I don't have anything to show for it.

Most people my age own their homes, have more than one car and are fairly high up on the corporate scale. That's stereotypical, but true. I have none of those things. Not that I even want the last one. I'm not interested in the drama and pressure of a high stakes job, thanks, but no thanks.

When I think about what I want most in my life right now, one word comes to mind. Peace.

I'm not looking to be rich, or famous. I don't need notoriety. Acknowledgment would be nice. Appreciation for what I do accomplish would be nice. A little help in my endeavors would be nice. But none of that is necessary.

I know I have mentioned many times in different places and to different people about feeling lost since my husband died. That feeling sometimes brings on panic attacks that have me gasping for air, my heart thundering and fearful that my life is going down the drain. That I cannot take care of myself and certainly not my son. It always has a desperate edge to it. And I end up holding on tighter to things I don't even need to hold onto. Unwilling to let anything go because I've already lost so much.

And as I write out my frustrations, woes and anger and read back through it, one thing becomes quite clear. I'm feeling sorry for myself. Loser, idiot, moron and waste of space. These words I use for myself and think, I'm on such a pity party.

But the hard part...is getting past that pity. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I don't want to be a loser who can't do anything right. So, I try really hard to tell myself to put on my big girl panties and get things done. Most of the time, it doesn't work. And, to add to my worries, I vomit out all these feelings and, yes, post it on my FB page and then wonder if everyone I know is rolling their eyes and annoyed that I'm not some happy person. It's a known fact that people in general will avoid unhappy people. Will my problems eventually drive everyone away?? That scares me too.

I'm sure I could be diagnosed as clinically depressed (and it does run in the family, my mother being a prime example). But I'm not interested in counseling (especially group counseling, no way!) and I'm not interested in drugs either. When I really think about what could make me happy...or at least content, it's really a very simple thing. And the basis for all my other worries. Money. So shallow. *shakes head* But nearly all my worries are money related. The only other worries I have that aren't are my family and my health.

So where does all this leave me? In a dark place that seems impossible to dig out of. In a place where everything seems insurmountable. In a place where every decision I make I question. In a place where the pressure bearing down on me feels as if it's going to crush me.

Not a good place to be.